Chapter 3: My Own Experience as a Black Fan

In this chapter, I will go ahead and just write about my own experience on being a black fan of K-pop. I think this will be a short post because I don’t have too much to say because I’ve been a relatively quiet force on the internet. I mean, I only recently joined Twitter back in August of last year and have taken many a day off from that hellhole. I also still stay sitting in my corner of the site mostly to myself and that’s probably why I still have between 28-30 followers. I swear, it fluctuates up and down and never seems to stay past 30. Numbers shouldn’t matter that much and I think I would freak out a bit – and not in a good way – if I even got 50 followers because that’s pressure and I don’t like stressful pressure.

My current twitter

It says I joined July but it was literally like the last week or around about. Oh, you wanted to know about the little meow meow header – priceless gold, my friend. But my point in saying all this though is that unlike other black K-pop fans, namely women, I thankfully haven’t been dragged to hell and back or harassed or doxxed or bullied off the platform. In a twisted way, I feel as if that’s a failure on my part. It literally feels like a rite of passage that any and all black fans, again mostly women, should get hate from any and all K-pop fandoms, specifically BTS’s ARMY right now.

I mentioned in my Little Meow Meow post a couple weeks back about one such woman, kikeekiwi, who was effectively bullied off the app after simply not accepting the apology/explanation given by BigHit over the Yoongi/Suga/AgustD/Little Meow Meow and Jim Jones situation. As of the time I write this, her account has been taken over by her friend before being left idle for over a week.

All because some teeny bopper K-poppies thought oppar was more important than showing another human being decent compassion

And to think I gave this guy a spot on my sidebar. Or worse, that he was my BTS bias for a time and brought upon my poor self-hating mind a multitude of issues that honestly weren’t issues but I made them out to be because I’m a drama queen that loves drowning in her own self-deprecating animosity.

This speaks to me now

But what do I mean by that? Was Yoongi trying to live his cult leader fantasy by channeling Jim Jones the final straw that made me cast him away? Was it because out of the 900+ people who Jim Jones killed were mostly black? No and no. Despite the racial implications intertwined in this scandal, I honestly think Yoongi probably didn’t know about that particular fact and this may sound insensitive but the racial aspect doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that the dude still killed 900+ people and the fact that little meow meow hid behind Daddy BigHit (yes, daddy with a capital D).

Yet, I’ve always had a issue biasing someone like Yoongi or even any of these K-pop boys. I’ve related this to a couple friends and an internet stranger about my ambivalence in biasing or really, feeling attracted to any of these guys. This sentiment was mainly due to the fact that I’m black.

Even before I got into K-pop, I knew way back when that it was a superficial industry filled with plastic idols modeled to be the perfect little performers. This was when I was 10, by the way, during a time that I was more enticed by Japan and its offerings of anime, good ole Japanese food, Ghibli, and some nice J-rock/pop. I was somehow more reluctant to chase any interest in Korea, only knowing at the time that plastic surgery was a big thing over there and that they focused on physical appearance to an unhealthy degree. Of course, I eventually did get into it and my interest in Japan even took a backseat to all things Korean or this blog wouldn’t exist.

However, sometimes I really do wish I could’ve just stuck with Japan. I mean, Japan has it’s own racist issues and xenophobia that is at a similar scale and in some cases, worse, than South Korea, but maybe it’s the kid in me, but Japan has a softer spot in my heart than Korea. I blame nostalgia.

To get a scope of my own psyche to this whole issue on K-pop, biases, and all things self-hate inducing, I want to present to you a little snippet I sent to an internet stranger about my issue and tell me I’m not mentally ill:

I get that idol images are mostly fabricated and manufactured and we will never know truly who they are (arguably you can say that about even friends and family though…the world’s complicated). Although we know there is a real person underneath all that plasticness, I still beat myself up for being attracted to any of them, but especially the men, and especially those who I “bias.” Like it just gives me another excuse to pile up on the self-hate train saying how much of an utter piece of shit I am for liking these idols. I can be gullible and naive and still am, but I’ve learned a lot being on sites like yours, so logically I should be fine. And yet, here’s my brain and hormones betraying me and growing attracted to, like, the most popular idol in the most popular group right now who is such a stupid basic bitch that I can’t fathom why I’m attracted to him. Like what the fuck? I know there is science or whatever that could explain but I honestly hate myself for it and it doesn’t help that I 100% don’t love myself possibly due to internalized racism or general inferiority considering I’m a black American. And I also compare myself to these fans, any fan, even ARMYs and still say that ALL of them are better than me. Yes, even the crazy ones”.

Was I just called a basic bitch?

ARMYs about to rise and drag me into their little ARMYLand of vehemently shielding their faves – or not, since no one reads my blog, but yes, I was referring to Jungkook from the one and only BTS. And yes, I still think he is a basic bitch. He tied with V as number one on my bias list for BTS, but I won’t hesitate at calling him a basic bitch if he is one. I have a whole list to prove it with examples, but I honestly don’t know if I should share it since I think even the ones who follow me that do like BTS and can get my sense of humor will unfollow or scold me.

But back to the matter at hand, as you can see – I’m a huge overthinker and really blew up the matter of liking these K-pop boys and girls to an unhealthy proportion. Don’t get me wrong though, I have hated myself for years and in no way did these idols start that self-hatred. They may have exacerbated it but that’s more of a “me” problem than anything. To the credit of the receiver of that note above, I was actually not laughed at or belittled, but was met with kind words and advice. Amazing, people can be kind on the internet, who knew?

Am I embarrassed to be displaying that message above? Why yes indeed, but I wanted to pretty much to rant to someone who I thought would give me sound advice and though I received it, it still didn’t diminish the fact that as time went on, I still felt horribly crummy to have any liking for these idols, but especially the men of K-pop given all that’s happened in the last year or so and the fact that South Korea in general seems to have a problem with how patriarchal and slow progressing social progress is in that society especially for feminine issues. This of course brought us problems ranging to things like the Nth room to room salons to hidden cameras to the mistreatment and terrible management of girl groups in a lot of these companies. The list could go on and while I’m not saying all our oppars are in it, I can’t help but side-eye all these men, just waiting for them to mess up. Though, I still hold up there are good ones out there – like our mascot here:

In the time-out box again

I – I mean, in the past year alone, he’s dealt with:

1 disgruntled fan for growing out his hair

1 Dating Scandal

1 Car accident

1 End of show debacle making fun of women apparently (media really out to get him, huh?)

1 Clubbing it up in Itaewon Scandal with the other 97 boys

1 big mess ever since he got that ARMY tattoo on his hand and other tattoos that no one seems to like. BONUS points given since his tattoo artists gf from the dating scandal may have done them.

Hmm, not surprised my taste in men are shit. Shit taste from a shitty mind. Well, you can’t say that he’s been a boring mascot at least, but this is also why he’s a mascot aka face of the blog and not one of the Dreamcatcher girls. Those girls are too good for that gig and need the protection.

Also, does anyone else think that Jungkook’s ARMY tattoo cursed him? I mean, if we look at the data and trajectory he’s been going ever since he got it…

Just hear me out, okay?

But this post is really derailing from the original intent on why I sat down to write this, but like I said it would be shorter than my usual posts because I just don’t have much to say besides: “Oh, because of my black skin I feel to inferior as a fan of K-pop to properly like any of these idols and look at the white/Asian/Latinx and other black fans as superior to me in every way from dancing to creating art to writing fanfiction to creating informative videos or pieces about K-pop, etc. etc. and I’m sure those K-pop boys and girls will love them but look at me with such utter and pure disgust that my ancestors would turn in their graves over the sheer cold reception I would get from being such a fucking ugly specimen of humanity that God was toying with and – ooops – accidentally casted me down to earth with this godforsaken body not redeemable by anything short of a miracle except no miracle would be coming for a complete shit of a person creature such as myself because no body gives a flying rat’s ass about helping something like myself because there are plenty of people the world over deserving of all the good and peace this world offers except you. Black Lives Matter except mine, good for nothing bitch.”

So yeah, that was the post. I think that pretty much just summed up how I feel as a black K-pop fan. No one bullied me, doxxed me, harassed me – I haven’t even personally experienced racism directed at me. Cultural appropriation is still something I’m trying to grasp but doesn’t bother me as much as other black fans and that’s fine. I have for the most part accepted that these idols can use, gawk at, admire, and love black culture but not necessarily care for the people behind it.

So, my story is really nothing special, but I hope you enjoyed reading this post and musing about fans overzealous love for their oppar and the curse of Jungkook’s ARMY tattoo. Until next time.

Honestly, the only attractive thing about this picture are the churros.

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